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Disecting the date

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By Paige Paulson

Depending on your perspective, my mother had either the best or the worst timing for confronting me with the dreaded "sex talk." Minivan rolling at 30 mph. Doors locked. Radio off. Strike: “So honey, what’s the deal with this ‘friends with benefits’ stuff I’m hearing about? This hooking up phenomenon?” She was trying to understand my generation’s choices and wondering what the outcomes might be—I was looking for the unlock button.

Eight years later, here I am posing the same questions to “sexpert” John DeLamater, UW-Madison Sociology Professor. My theory: for post-college singles, dating is dead. People in the age bracket I’m about to enter are delaying marriage, hooking up regularly, and although some people are engaging in risky behavior, there are positive changes emerging out of this new mindset as well.

DeLamater says, “Over the last 30 years, the age of marriage has gotten to be much older. In the 70s the average age of marriage was about 20 for a woman and 22 for man. And I remember that the typical pattern was that people got married within a year after they graduated from college. You don’t see that at all anymore.” According to the U.S. Census Bureau for 2005, the median age for first marriages in Wisconsin is now 27 years old for men and 25.7 for women, significantly older than previous generations. So, there is an extended period of four or five post-college years during which many people are single.

Jill Pederson, a relationship therapist, says there are many reasons why people are marrying later—and some are more valid than others. “In general, the research appears to be showing that people that wait and get married later [during their late 20’s-mid 30's] have a lower divorce rate.” This is a reassuring statistic, but the catch is that you must engage in meaningful long-term relationships to get to a healthy marriage. Pederson warns that "hooking up" often “interferes with both men and women’s ability to develop true intimacy in their relationships.”

Madison daters Josh, 24, and Clyde, 28, echos the laid back approach to marriage. Neither of them feel any need to rush. Clyde says, “I think from what I’ve seen, people are just out to have fun, you know, hookup or whatever, until, this sounds kind of cliché ... but until they find a person that generates enough interest that they could actually see themselves settling down with.” Josh nods in agreement: “I think we go out to have a good time, and if you meet someone cool then that’s great.”

Like the “free love” of the 70s, the idea of hooking up is something twenty-something singles are generally aware of and many comfortable with. Pederson associates the "hooking up phenomenon" with the decline in dating stating that, "as people are becoming sexually active earlier in a relationship they tend to become exclusive quicker and therefore tend to casually date less.” This illustrates how all of these shifts in dating and sex trends function together and impact the way people engage in relationships.

DeLamater sees a hookup as a completely backward approach to getting to know someone, oftentimes emotionally dangerous. Pederson says her main concern with hooking up “is that usually the expectations of the man and woman are often different. Women have a difficult time separating their emotions from the sex act and often end up getting hurt.”

Josh says one of the main factors contributing to his lack of dating is the limited amount of free-time he has in a week. “The last probably six months, we’ve worked probably 80 to 90 hours a week. And I think that plays in the back of my mind. I mean, do I want to try and have a relationship with someone when I know I’m probably only going to be able to spend one night a week with this person? It’s just not possible.”

“One primary reason [people are marrying later]," Pederson says, "is that both men and women are spending more time getting their education and building their careers, resulting in delaying marriage.” Also, as salaries increase many people want to travel, do Teach For America, pay off debts, accumulate some savings or maybe just focus on their career. People have so many goals and a panicked feeling of "I need to do these things while I’m young." Although I think this go-getter attitude is one of the most amazing aspects of the post-college demographic, I am concerned people mistakenly believe in order to accomplish their goals, they must sacrifice having love in their life. Does the desire to accomplish these goals require independence, or can a "go-getter” have it all and share his or her dreams and adventures with someone they love?

Without a doubt it is easier to plan your life around one person’s goals than two. One of the hardest aspects of a relationship is constantly considering how your decisions affect your partner. It can be a real challenge. Some may even say it's a job in itself. However, one of the characteristics of a mature adult is the ability to put another’s needs before your own, at least part of the time. Perhaps this generation really is the "me" generation, and is unwilling or unaware of this level of compromise?

Pederson says there is no specific marriage-appropriate age. She says the only prerequisite is that people “feel complete in themselves before they settle down with a mate. They need to be clear about what they want and need in a partner and feel ‘whole’ themselves rather than looking for a partner to fill them up.”

According to DeLamater, “The literature on relationships shows that people who are together are people who are very similar in some important ways.” It is up to you to decide which values are most important to you. But do yourself a favor and put some care and thought into it. “Picking up people in a bar is not where you’re going to find someone that’s similar to you on those kinds of dimensions," DeLamater says. "Everyone goes to the bars.”

Clyde thinks that going out and getting involved is a great way to meet people. He says, “If you go out and participate in extra-curricular activities that interest you then at least know the people you meet there are going to have similar interests. But I’ll admit, I’ve done online dating. The majority of people that you meet that way, they’re not keepers, but there are a couple that I’ve met that were really awesome people.” Pederson thinks online dating, speed-dating services, et cetera are all going to continue to have significant impacts on dating in the future.

If finding a date or maybe even a life-long mate is important to you, I challenge you to approach it with the same kind of determination and thought you would any other area of your life. No matter how hard it may seem, the reality is, there are ample opportunities to meet people. I have faith, we can bring back "the date."