How do I avoid the dreaded friend zone?

Ever since Joey told Ross he was “mayor” of Rachel’s friend zone, men have feared crossing the line from butterflies to caution tape. Avoiding the friend zone is tricky because women tend to decide almost immediately after becoming friends with a man if they are going to pursue a friendship or relationship. However, there are a couple things you can do to keep yourself in the running.

First, don’t let yourself become her go-to shoulder to lean on. There are few men a woman will trust to go to with her problems and we aren’t usually willing to sacrifice losing that outlet.

Second, when you like a woman who isn’t a friend, you usually play the hard-to-get game. This shouldn’t necessarily be different with a friend. Try not to be so available to avoid becoming her dependable, “he’s like a brother to me,” best friend.

Third, because you are friends, you likely treat her differently than a woman you’re trying to chat up at a bar. While that comfort level probably feels great, it’s hurting your chances. If you want her to see you as a potential date, you need to act like a potential date. Compliment her, flirt a little, ask her out to dinner (not lunch) at a restaurant where the utensils aren’t plastic.

Lastly, subtly show her that you really know and care about her. Remember that her brother’s name is Adam or surprise her with a personalized Christmas present that will stand out among the Starbucks gift cards. Bottom line: Eventually you need to grow a pair and tell her how you feel. The longer you wait, the deeper you fall into the zone, so just man-up and go for it. It worked for Ross, and if that dinosaur-loving, fossil-collecting nerd can get Jennifer Aniston, you probably have a shot.

My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends. I know there’s nothing going on, but I can’t help being jealous when she hangs out with them. I sometimes feel she likes them more than she likes me. How do I stop my insecurities from pushing her away?

Think about your relationships with various people in your life, both male and female. It is likely that you have a different dynamic and a slightly different version of yourself with each person. This is the same for your girlfriend and her male friends. Just because she may mention how Ben cracks her up, it doesn’t necessarily mean she thinks he’s funnier than you, and it doesn’t mean she wants to sleep with Ben.

The qualities she is looking for in a friend are different than what she desires in a boyfriend, and if she is dating you, be confident that you hold the right credentials. What you need to work on is a way to regain that confidence. It may sound cliché, but try doing “the little things” that you did when you first started dating to make her happy. Meet her after class or work with two cups of coffee. If you’ve been together for a while, your dates are probably pretty routine—like going out to dinner or seeing a movie. Instead, go through the effort of asking her on a date and planning something new. You’ll see how happy your efforts make her and those insecurities will fade. If you don’t learn to control feelings of jealousy, it will push her away.

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