Put a ring on it

Health, Sex & Relationships, Spotlight — By

A more recent study, conducted by the Pew Research Center, also found a correlation between a woman’s age at marriage and the duration of her marriage. The 2009 study was based on findings drawn from a 2008 survey sponsored by the U.S. Census Bureau, which examined marriage and divorce statistics at the state level. The study found that states like Arkansas and Oklahoma, where half of all brides were age 24 or younger on their wedding day, also had an above-average share of divorced women. States where people marry young also tend to have larger shares of people who have married three times or more. Of course, many young marriages do succeed, and not just because the couple is hopelessly in love. Chris Quinn, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Madison, says constant, open communication is essential to the success of any marriage, particularly a young couple’s. It’s crucial, he says, for both partners to be able to express needs and desires without fear.

Quinn recommends young couples meet with a counselor to discuss potential issues before they arise. The relationship may have underlying problems the couple isn’t aware of, and pre-marital counseling can help couples learn how to resolve conflict before it happens. Unfortunately, Quinn says, most couples skip pre-marital counseling and wait until the wedding bliss has worn off. That’s when many people notice characteristics about their partners they didn’t see before, Quinn says. Disagreements come up, and couples may question their compatibility.

“This doesn’t mean that they can’t reconcile that, but it certainly means they have to talk about it,” Quinn says.

When Falicia Hines and her fiancé planned their wedding, they purposely chose an officiant who required pre-marital counseling. One reason the counseling sessions were valuable, Hines says, is because they allowed her and her now-husband to discuss their expectations for communication.

“Open communication was a big topic, and we spent a lot of time talking about what our ideas of ‘open’ were,” Hines, 27, says. “We were surprised that we had differing opinions on what open even meant.”

The Madison couple married in September 2010, after dating for four years. Although Hines says she fell in love with her husband soon after meeting him, she wasn’t ready to get married at 23.

“I was impulsive, impatient, and a little selfish,” she recalls. “Figuring out who I was and transitioning from college student to self-sufficient adult was an experience I wasn’t really prepared for when I graduated.”

Waiting to wed, Hines says, gave her and her husband time to gain life experience, understand their finances, and learn more about each other and themselves, all of which deepened their bond.

“I learned so much about myself after college, and those things really helped me feel grounded and independent,” she says. “I am a better wife because of that.”

Not everyone has a timeline for marriage — or plans to get married at all. In the era of “Mad Men,” about 80 percent of U.S. men and women ages 25 to 34 were married. Today, that number is 45 percent. And the marriage rate continues to fall; between 2000 and 2009, it dropped a precipitous 10 percent. Currently there are nearly 60 million U.S. residents 18 or older who have never been married.

Michael Gonzalez, a 23-year-old living in Madison, is one of them. His relationship status changes daily. “Sometimes I’m single, sometimes I’m tied down,” he says. “It all depends on the day and time of the week.”

Will he ever get married? Maybe, maybe not.

“Let’s be honest, it’s a lot of work, and I’m a simple person,” he says. “Not to mention, I can’t deal with the same people for a prolonged period of time.”

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