Redefining love

“Everyone draws lines about what emotional connections it is OK to have outside their main relationship, and what physical contact it is OK to have,” Barker explains.

Whatever the reason, Barker argues, people are polyamorous because they not only feel capable of loving more than one partner, but more often than not, they need to love more than one person to feel a sense of fulfillment in their lives. But in a world where fidelity to one person is the rule, Barker says the media present “polyamory as something rather ‘out there’ that normal people wouldn’t be able to do.”

For those who practice polyamory, however, having multiple partners is, well, normal. Aside from loving more than one person, Ashe, Boone and Miller say they all want the same thing: to take care of their families, have a good job and live a normal life. In that respect, monogamy and polyamory have much in common, Ashe explains.

“To me, polyamory has the same values as monogamy,” she says. “We just make the conscious choice to have more than one relationship at a time. We still treat our partners the same, we don’t do anything that is much different from monogamous people. We still have to pay rent and go grocery shopping and deal with jobs and taking care of a family.”

While that may be the case, many polyamorists don’t feel comfortable being open with others about their lifestyle. Richardson says she doesn’t tell people about her second partner to protect herself from discrimination. She feels she is unfairly grouped with polygamists and swingers and, she argues the polyamorous lifestyle is misunderstood, leading to marginalization. “I feel like I have to live a double life,” she says.

Many people who practice polyamory maintain it isn’t so different from monogamy — it just involves more people. “I think we experience the same issues, the same troubles, and the same joys [as monogamous people],” Boone explains. “We just have to deal with them with more than one person and work to communicate about a lot of things.” Communication is essential for all healthy relationships, he says, noting that the lack of trust that can exist among monogamous couples doesn’t occur in polyamorous relationships because there is no reason to lie to your partner. “Everyone knows what everyone is doing.”

Coming Out Poly currently meets once every week. And while the group doesn’t go as far as to offer counseling to those confused about their relationship preferences, Miller says the organization gives people opportunities for self-discovery, whether they choose to be polyamorous or not. Ashe, Boone and Miller think Coming Out Poly meetings fill a niche, offering support to younger people interested in pursuing more than one romantic relationship — not just sleeping around.

“There’s a lot of misconceptions about what polyamory is, and some people might stop by thinking we’re swingers, or that we’re all kinksters, or just sex addicts or something,” Miller says. “In reality, that’s not true — we’re all just very normal people that just happen to have more than one love in their life.”